Monday, June 20, 2011

These Scars

So… I have been away for quite awhile. I know I have neglected my blog. I could say it was life and my new job, and my business and family and so forth, and that would all be true. But why give reasons or excuses… I am back… as much as I can be

These Scars….

These scars tell a story.

These scars made me cry. They caused my baby pain.

These scars filled my heart and soul with fear.

These scars took my baby away from me for days at a time where he was in the hospital.

These scars saved his life and gave me mine.
These scars mean he is still with us.

These scars are only superficial now and remind us how precious life is and how precious HE is.

These scars will grow smaller as he grows bigger… because of these scars.

These scars are here because they needed to be here… and now, now I am glad that my little man has them, because without them, he would not be 2+ now.  I would not be able to sing him to sleep almost every night.  I would not have the absolute joy that is in my heart and life that he has brought just by being my little “Porkchop”.   I thank God for these scars and for my son.

*Open Heart Surgery
*Duedenal Atresia (Intestinal blockage)
*PICC lines (Directly into his arteries)
*G-Tube (Feeding tube in abdomen)
*Chest tube (to drain fluids after his open heart surgery)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Natural Sour Starter - Recipe for "starter" for breads

Hello friends... It's been a while and I know... I am posting a lousy recipe instead of writing and actual post on my blog... (actually this isn't lousy... it's really good)

Hey, one thing at a time! It's been a month or so since I have written and believe me, I have material...

But today I am making bread too, and I wanted to share this easy "Sour Starter" recipe for breads... I also have a "Mild Whole Wheat Starter"...

But today I am just sharing the "Sour Starter", so here goes....

For the Starter:
6 oz of organic grapes
1 1/4 C unbleached A/P flour
1 1/2 C filtered water, room temp.

For the Feeding Formula:
1 C unbleached A/P flour
1 C filtered water room temp.

Day One: Place grapes in the center of a 10 inch square piece of cheese cloth. Gather up the sides of the cloth and tie with string, creating a sachet. Leave a tail of string at least 10 inches long. Whisk flour and water together in a medium bowl until all lumps are fully dissolved and it is like pancake batter consistency. Using your hands, crush the sachet of grapes and lower it into the starter. Tape end of the string to the outside of the bowl so it doesn't fall into the mixture. Set the bowl, uncovered in a warm room, about 70*F, and let sit for 2 days.

Day Three: Small bubbles will appear on the starter's surface. Remove and discard the sahcet of grapes. Now the starter is ready for it's first feeding.

Feeding the Starter:

*Note: You will need to make a new batch of feeding formula every time you feed the starter.
Combine flour and water (Amounts are listed above) in a medium bowl and whisk until flour is dissolved. Stir this initial batch of feeding formula into the starter and let sit in a warm room for 1 day more.

Day Four: Stir the starter with a whisk and discard half of the mixture. Stir in a batch of feeding formula and let sit for two (2) hours at room temp. After the two hours place the starter, uncovered, in the refrigerator for 1 day. (Starters NEED oxygen, which is why they are usually left uncovered.) Store the starter on one of the refrigerator's highest shelves, to keep things from falling into it.

Day Five: Remove starter from the fridge, stir it with a whisk, and again discard half of the mixture, Stir another batch of the feeding formula, let the starter sit at room temp for 2 hours, then retrun it to the fridge. Repeat this process for the next TEN (10) days. Also make sure to "Feed" the starter at the same time every day. Also be sure to let the starter sit at room temp. for 2 hours after every feeding, each day before returning it to the fridge.  After these 10 days the starter will be ready for baking & will require less attention.

* Unless you bake bread daily you will only need to feed your starter once a week and stick to that one day or schedule.

Once a week you remove the starter from the fridge and stir it with a whisk, if there is a crust just remove it with a spoon. And then just follow the regular feeding formula like before but instead of everyday it's once a week.

Once a week fed starters retain good flavor but loose some leavening, it becomes dormant.  So remove the starter from the fridge 24 hours before you plan on using it. Whisk and discard half.  Feed.  Leave at room temp and 12 hours later  feed again.  Let sit at room temp for another 8-12 hours before baking with it.

Measure off what you need for baking according to your recipe, then feed the remainder. Let sit at room temp. for 2 hours before returning to the fridge.

Starters should always be at room temp. before using.

I know this seems like a lot of work and YES, it would be easier to just use yeast, but this method, this way of baking your bread adds a depth of flavor yeast cannot give your breads. It takes time and work to bake this way, but serious, good bakers realize this and are willing to put in the time. You will be amazed at how incredibly good your sour dough or french baguette will be with this method.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

If You're not a size 6

I love this place... they have young, fashionable, trendy clothes. Clothes a woman wants to buy. Check out Roamans. Why is it that retail America assumes if you are over a size 6/8 we don't want to look fashionable, trendy, beautiful and sexy. That the only place for us is Lane Bryant or Walmart? This place is an "In-between" and up for sizes 12 and up. And Also may I suggest for your lingerie... Hips and Curves

Anyway for those of us who are REAL woman... who like our curves and embrace them (I do And I am now Btwn 14/16)... Who love butter, bread and a good bottle of wine.... Go do something nice for yourself and get a cute little outfit... but some sexy underthings and love on yourself and your woman's body!

Monday, April 4, 2011

"What Hurts The Most"

".... Is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away."

It was January and I had just left the El Torito parking lot, from the truck of my lover and soul mate. I had just got done asking him to not marry HER. He knew it was a mistake and was conflicted. I knew it was a mistake and was heartbroken. He told me he felt obligated. His family expected it...her family expected it...SHE expected it.

Why couldn't he just walk away instead of putting us through pain and hell in the years to come because he was conflicted, obligated... a coward. Who cared what THEY expected, this was LOVE dammit. Honest, pure, no strings, no boundaries, no restrictions heart breaking love!! We weren't teenagers, we knew what it was, what were were and what we were together. I just could not wrap my broken thoughts around it. My black and white was his grey. He made it complicated, where I made it so simple. It wasn't too late. {You know how you think somehow life really will be like "An Officer and a Gentleman" He realizes he can't live with out her, runs in and sweeps her up? It's not! it's ugly, and it's messy. There aren't white horses, and they do not realize anything until after they have ran to the alter.}

Just walk away for crying out loud!! This is what my heart, mind, body and soul was screaming at him as my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into the billion irreparable pieces. I felt like my guts were torn out of me and laid out to die and dry up. I don't remember starting to cry and I don't think I ever stopped. I hated him for his weakness. I hated her because she made him obligated... I hated that any other day this would have been one of those beautiful January winter nights, my heart now looked like the many shards in that dark sky twinkling. They were beautiful and I hated them too because of it.

Getting on the freeway making that huge spiraling, curving connector and all I could focus on through the mess were my headlights... And IT came on. That song by Rascal Flatts and I really didn't believe I could sink any deeper into that painful pit, yet there I was stuck in that black tar going down with every note of those lyrics. One by one cutting deeper and deeper into my soul. For a moment I wondered how bad would it be if I just let go of the wheel, and let go of the pain? Instead I just pulled over and sank into the dark... "And never knowin' what could've been, and not seein' that lovin' you... Is what I was tryin' to do..." 

***This song from Rascal Flatts always brings me back to that night. This is a writing assignment prompt from The Red Dress clubTo write about a sound or smell that brings back a memory and to write about that memory incorporating that sound or smell.***
The Red Dress Club                   

Something I realized

I am sitting here reading these amazing blogs by so many people I have, in such a short time, come to greatly admire... and I admit i feel something I am trying to define...

The absolute eloquence of their words. Their ability to pull me in, to make me laugh and usually to make me cry just astounds me. I feel something...I cannot say it's jealousy because to me jealousy comes from a place where you don't want good things for the person you are jealous of. I then lean towards envy... but really isn't envy a much prettier word than jealousy but really it's just the same thing.

I then have defined it as longing. I long with ALL that I am to be able to write like these men and women do with such artistry and depth... and I realized something... I probably never will. I am not a writer. I like to talk, I like to tell a story, but I do not understand prose, syntax, metaphor, and anthropomorphism - Actually let me re-phrase that, I do understand these things... I just do not know how to put them into writing. I read Living with Logan , Special Happens , In These Small Moments , The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom , Seven Yuck Mouths and Autism , Backpacking Dad, The Red Dress Club , Two Brothers Like No Other, Resonance , The Sassy Piehole, The Good, The Bad, The Family , Life According to Amberliegh, Mrs. Photography , Big Daddy Autism , and SO many other amazing blogs. These people I am in AWE of. Their words as most of the blogs I follow inspire me and touch my soul. They give the the laugh I was needing, the soap box to stand on, and the pain that causes my soul to cry... These people and the eloquent and visual way they write; leaves me with such longing.

I realize I will possibly never be this... I know I can only be me and talk and write the only way I know how. And I continue to read and be inspired. I check out the prompts given to inspire an amazing piece of written work, and someday I will have that, that one piece. I guess for me, I don't see myself as a stand out, just another "Mom Blog"... blogging about her cute kids and mundane life... Maybe, just maybe there is an inspiring writer in me. Maybe someone will be inspired to write something one day because of a post I wrote, or be moved to tears and or laughter. But today I guess I am just writing for me and to tell the story of my life, my family, my points of views, thoughts and advice... and maybe it's just for my family so they know me... really KNOW me and who I am and was, if for no one else. I'll just blend into the blogsphere with all of the other out of work, stay at home, work at home mothers and women. Just don't discount me or them yet.

Friday, April 1, 2011

On my soap box

Today I am angry. I am so angry at the world. At injustice. Maybe it's because I am an Aquarius I feel like I have to save the world... save the ozone, save the baby harp seals, save the dolphins, Stop the bullying, save the unwanted. Yeah I am THAT person. I post all the time on Facebook for my friends for cancer awareness... abuse awareness... I post for Reece's Rainbow.... and honestly I feel like a hamster on it's exercise wheel going no where. Do people really not give a damn unless it affects them directly?

I know it's more than my astrological sign... it has been put on my heart... more so since I was given the honor of being my son Gabriels' mother. He was a gift from God for me to love and to open my eyes... to becoming the student and him, my son the teacher.

I have so many affluent friends who post about how they go on trips, or eat at wonderful restaurants or are buying the latest toy either for their kids or for themselves.... But if you bring up disabilities or donating for the disabled or to save a child on Reece's Rainbow.... A LARGE MAJORITY go quiet and disappear. I will get nearly 100 birthday wishes, or 30 likes for a post on my son being in the J.R.O.T.C. but maybe only 1 like if I post a link to donate to help bring an abandoned Down syndrome orphan home here to America to be adopted and loved. To bring them to their forever family to live... so they don't die. The following is a post I just did on Facebook. Because I AM angry... and my heart is hurting. I just don't understand people who are good people turning a blind eye to the world around them. Pretending the things that are happening aren't not unless it suddenly happens to them... they pull their pristine blanket up around themselves so the ugliness and the dirtiness of the world doesn't affect them... so it doesn't touch them. So they don't have to acknowledge it and can go on feeling good about themselves while drinking their $6 latte from Starbucks and texting on their $400 iPhone planning their next ski trip to Vail. It just pisses me off.... I don't understand people or their hearts.

I look at my beautiful son and by the grace of God he was gifted to me... so he is alive and thriving and happy and loved.... but if not for that he may very well already be dead or languishing in an Eastern Europe orphanage, unloved and unwanted. MY heart breaks soundly just thinking that. And I worry, when he gets older... he'll be mocked and bullied and not even understand. And all he'll want is a friend and to give the abundant love in his heart, only to be pushed away and probably pushed down, rejected. What for? Because he is delayed, because he looks different? Because he looks funny? No.... because those peoples' parent turned a blind eye and did not teach their children to love and accept all people for their perfections and for their flaws. Those people are the same ones who do not pass on my links or like them... they pretend they don't hear me on my soap box... or roll their eyes because I am on a tangent or ranting. They are teaching their children it is okay to mock or ignore my son, because what I say makes them uncomfortable. I want to yell at them "TO GET OVER IT!!!" I am here and I am not going anywhere and I am going to stay on my soap box advocating for ALL those who are prejudiced against... or for those who have been abandoned.

It is my my duty... So here is what I posted:

Why is it people will change their status to promote their religion or political beliefs. Or for Cancer or abuse awareness.. but will not support or promote things regarding disabilities. They aren't contagious, you won't catch anything if you share one of my links or donate a couple bucks to save a disabled orphan. Enjoy your Starbucks... or Taco Bell.... I am an advocate and will continue to stand on my soap box.
It is what has been put on my heart by MY God to do. To Speak up and out for those who can't. For those who have been tossed aside as unworthy. I was given a precious gift in Gabriel and his life (with Gods help) opened my heart and eyes to... something bigger than me and now I have a mission and a purpose. A little 6 month old girl I fell in love with in the Ukraine with Down syndrome died. I was planning on trying to adopt her. I was too late. She was abandoned by her parents because she was broken. Tossed aside like trash, and I fell in love with her. Now she is dead. Because I was too late. I have been crying for days(and edit and addition bcse it's true) If she had been born to me or any one of you she'd be alive and thriving right this minute, but her beautiful, precious life was snuffed out because she wasn't worthy. I refuse to let children die. I refuse to let my sons get bullied because they are different. You will be a warrior to your God, to your politics, and to your beliefs... I am too a warrior for these things, but I CHOOSE to add a crest to my shield. I will be a warrior for those less fortunate, who are different, who are deemed "Unworthy" by most. You all love the pictures I post of Gabriel. Most of you love him and would stand next to me to fight for him. Stand next to me and fight for others like him. Raise awareness, be brave. Buy a shirt promoting disabilities and wear it proudly. Donate to save a child you don't know because it's the right thing to do. Stand beside me and Gabriel and promote love and acceptance. Stop the name calling, and the laughter and the bullying. Change your vocabulary. If we can have millions walking for a cure, we can have millions stop using the word "Retard" and saving orphans. My 2 cents..
**Sorry this was such a long post.... I just had to get ALL of that off my chest. May my darling little Marlena RIP along with her brother angel Nikita. I am so sorry I was too late baby girl :o( I loved you already and my heart and souls mourns you. May God forever hold you to his chest and show you, you are worthy and you were loved.

Don't just read this and go on your merry way.... comment... post a link... share... stand up and make a change... make a difference.