Monday, February 28, 2011

Some people...

Just leave an indelible impression in your life and in your heart.

It does not matter if they were in your life 5 hours or 5 years. It does not matter who or what they were in your life or how they got there, or why they no longer are apart of your life. They leave a memory, a friendship, a love deeper than words can express.

Whether they were ripped from your life, walked away, or you asked them to leave... they leave a huge part of themselves with you. A part that is felt so strongly that if you close your eyes, it's as if they are still there with you. That bond is still there no matter what anyone says or does.

You can't define it, or try to figure out the whys of it, because it just is. You cannot minimize it, nor can anyone else. It is just something that is felt, always. It doesn't go away with time. The power of what this person was and is in your life doesn't diminish because you or someone else wills it to be.

It's a remembered laugh. It's a promise given. It's moments that took your breath away. It's a shared secret. It's a shoulder cried upon... it's a thousand little things... and just as many big things shared and woven intricately into a cloth of  friendship, a love, a relationship that even when they have left, that bond, that cloth is still felt and is missed. It is thought about. It is cried about. It is laughed about and it is felt and remembered no matter the time or space.

There are some people that leave their presence, their mark, with in us that even though it may be invisible to every one else, it is very substantial and real to us. It changes us and it stays with us forever, marking our hearts and minds with love, warmth, and friendship. A treasured mark indeed.

Friday, February 25, 2011

15...I mean 20 things that make my Husband amazing!

I really do love my husband. We have been together since high school (25+ years)… yes I know “Awwwwww high school sweethearts”. But it has not been an easy road. We have had so many ups and downs. Beautiful, amazing, breath taking moments and some really ugly “This just isn’t working” moments. But through it all we have remained together and loving each other and friends. We have no idea what the future is going to bring, but we cannot imagine life without the other in it. We are blessed to have 3 amazing and frustrating kids. C is oldest daughter of 22 years, J which is our oldest son of 14 years, and our demon/angel G of almost 23 months. My hubby is an amazing father, one of the best men I have ever known. He is one of the good guys…

So with that I decided to list 15 things that make my hubby an amazing guy!
  1. He’s a great provider… His going out to works allows me to eat bon-bons all day and sit on the computer and “Farmville” until dusk… just kidding I am a WAHM, but he works hard so I can stay home.
  2. HE KILLS SPIDERS!! Enough said
  3. He changes dirty diapers… The poopy ones!
  4. He lets me sleep in
  5. He folds and puts away laundry
  6. He will go to the store for me anytime of the day. AND **Bonus Points** he will buy my “feminine” products for me without (much) complaint.
  7. He thinks I am beautiful
  8. He thinks I am sexy first thing in the morning (BEFORE teeth brushing)
  9. He laughs with me, for me and yes at me.
  10. He is the most amazing father I have ever seen. I could not have picked a better man to be a father.
  11. He’s still here through the fires of hell, he’s still here.
  12. He cried for all three of our kids’ births. His love for them overwhelms my heart
  13. He cried at my bedside when we all thought I was going to die (My sister in law told me this)
  14. Other than to go to our very sick newborn son’s side & to check up on our other 2 kids, he never left my side when I went into heart failure & was in the hospital for over 2 weeks
  15. He loves me unconditionally and supports any and everything I want to do.
  16. He makes me laugh everyday
  17. He argues with me everyday
  18. He would give the moon and stars if I asked, wrapped in a big pink bow
  19. He has so much integrity and character… I am amazed by him
  20. He is a strong and loving man. You wouldn’t always know this because he is so quiet. But he is fiercely loyal.
Did I say “15” things? I meant “20” things that make my husband the most amazing husband :)

This is why....

You should archive and save your old emails.

I was going through old emails that I have archived, I have about 7 years worth!! Yes, that is a lot of emails. I was separating them into different folders. One for jokes, friends, recipes and so forth. I had forgotten this one email I had received from a person who told me they hoped I lost my son. He was very sick at the time. I forgot about the absolute venom of this email. It hurt my soul that someone would say this about a child, my child. That he would die. That I would lose him. I have never wished this on anyone... I never would. How does someone write an email like this?

From the angry email I received:

"You have proven to be pathetic white trash. YOU are ugly. It is no wonder no man wants you or loves you. I hope you lose your son. I am GLAD you have lost everything. You deserve it. You are a horrible, vile woman with no standards or morals. Everybody knows what you are and you will NEVER be liked or loved. You are trash and they all see it! You are a nightmare and completely psycho. You should not be allowed around children, or people really. YOU are the one who got what she deserved. He never has and never will love you. He hates you and that baby. He was just using you, that is HOW STUPID you are. Remember he left you. He didn't tell you. That right there should tell you he thought you were nothing. You were nothing to him. He laughed at you. WE laughed at you. You are a joke to him."

Yes I was left behind. I made a mistake. I made a huge mistake. I admit that. I have always taken responsibility for my actions. I have never lied. I never twisted facts. And the people involved in my life were ALWAYS told the truth. They never held my mistakes against me.

But I was harassed. And have been over the years. So this is why I kept and archived pretty much ALL of my emails. On Twitter right now I follow a lawyer SocialMediaLaw1 and he tweeted about email content and so forth. And I was very happy when I read his article that I had kept ALL of my emails.

Now most of my emails are from friends and people who I truly love and who have and do truly love me... but then every now and again I am sure everyone has an email that is defamatory, or hurtful... Just like this one above. Don't delete it, sure go ahead and blow it off or toss it in the "psycho" bin where it belongs, but do not erase it. In this day and age of cyber bullies and online stalkers it is best to cover your butt and protect it as well.

*As a side note, my son obviously is doing great. I am happily married and working out the rough spots with my amazing hubby. I have a great home and a great life. I get to be a SAHM & a WAHM doing what I love most. Life is very good. Are there days where it's a three ring circus and I want to pack and leave? You bettchya... but luckily (for my family) those days only happen once a week! hee hee

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Yes YOU can be sexy

First of all what does sexy mean to you? Think about it.... How do YOU define sexy?

For me sexy is a state of mind. Sure, I think a tight pencil skirt, some patent heels, white see through blouse and pearls is sexy... but if you don't feel sexy in it, then it's not going to be sexy to anyone else.

Personally, I think I am a sexy woman. I have curves that I embrace, I have confidence in myself, and I am comfortable with who and what I am. I am sure there are some of you who know me thinking "Well yeah it's easy for you to be sexy, your're busty and out going and so forth" Really? Is that what you really think? So I guess Icons like Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron aren't sexy women? Because they aren't busty and super curvy, but they sure are sexy as hell... and not just on the red carpet... everyday in their jeans and t-shirts. They love themselves and they work with what they have.

My man has told me he thinks I am my sexiest when I have just woken up. Little to no makeup, hair a rats nest, crumpled and wrinkled. He tells me I am beautiful and I am sexy. I usually am thinking "Yeah buddy, wipe the sleep from your eyes and you may want to rethink that!" But deep down inside I am happy and smiling... because I am at that moment yummy to him.

Sexy isn't about curves and low cut tops, it's about owning your womanhood. It's about embracing and loving yourself... Believe it or not THAT is the mysterious quality that draws both men and women. They will sit there and try to put a finger on what it is about you that draws them to you. And you have to really work to keep this alive, through dishes, and 15 hour work days, and kids and everything else. It's a 3rd job loving yourself. But if I can do it, any woman can. But you have to get up off your butt and do it.

Why should your partner care if you don't... It's up keep, it's maintenance, it's actually not using or finding excuses to NOT take care of yourself. Whether you are overweight or blessed with skinny genes you can be sexy and love yourself no matter what size you are.

Yes, I am one of those women who take 5-10 minutes minimum each day to brush my teeth, brush my hair, and throw on some makeup. A little blush, lip gloss, eyebrows and mascara. Now you are thinking "Are you kidding me?? I am lucky if I have time to pee and throw a tic-tac in my mouth for both breakfast & as a freshener!!". I call B*llSh*t... 5-10 minutes to do something for yourself is not much. You are not doing it for him, or for the kids, (maybe for the cute veggie guy at the market), but for yourself, so when you pass a mirror you feel good. Throw on a bra... and a cute top and maybe jeans.... Make yourself feel good. Leave the sweats for working out. I get it... they are comfortable.. and if you really do feel sexy in them, okay. But if you feel frumpy, then toss them.

And yes this part IS for him... take 5-10 minutes at night before you get home or before he gets home and freshen up. Don't look as if you worked as hard as you did all day. You'd be surprised how even though he might not say it, but he does notice and appreciates it. And you might feel refreshed from your day by taking a second for yourself. I am a firm believer that if you look good it helps you to feel good about yourself.

And yes no matter what size you are or how old you are you can vamp it up for him every once in awhile. Surprise yourself and him by dressing up every once in awhile. Surprise him by cooking dinner in a cute apron, heels and sexy under garments... You might even feel giddy, and girlish by doing this. And you'll ignite a night and possibly weeks of some well warranted attention and loveyness (My word) from him. Plus you'll feel like one sexy bitch. But you have to already own your sexiness... Own your womanhood, or all you are going to do when you try this is possibly burn your breasts (Like Mrs.Doubtfire) and constantly be pulling that string out from god knows where in an uncomfortable "God I wish I was in my sweats" attitude.... That is not good.

Mrs. Doubtfire never wore this in the kitchen! (Okay maybe not the devil horns)

It's okay to be naughty by wearing something under your jeans that a "Mommy" isn't supposed to wear. You are still a woman. Cotton is not always sexy either, switch it up...lace, satin, heck even lycra... You don't have to exude "Sexpot"... but you should exude confidence which is always much sexier than seeing your "hiney cleavage" and thong. Don't mistake cheap for sexy....

Little "Dress up" anyone?

Or get a manicure, or a new hairstyle, or go shopping for some cute and or sexy outfits or lingerie but do it for YOURSELF.... just anything that makes you feel better about yourself... Hold onto it, embrace it.

I love those L'Oreal commercials where they say "Because I'm worth!" Darn it you are! Tell yourself you are worth it. Look in the the mirror and do not look at your flaws, find your beauty. Your beautiful eyes that hold laughter and knowledge. Your beautiful legs that have walked a thousand miles in YOUR shoes. Your beautiful mouth that soothes the worst of the worst. Your stunning face, that holds the story of your life and that someone either cherishes or will cherish. Your hips and tummy, that are meant to be soft and supple, great for slow dancing and cuddling. Strong beautiful shoulders that hold the weight of the world with grace and beautiful strength. Lines, wrinkles, age spots, grey hair, crows feet, muffin tops, "dimples", veins.... all of these are not flaws... you can change and alter them and there is nothing wrong with that. But these additional things are signs that we have lived well. That we have eaten well. That we have loved well. That we have lost well... and that we are still here... and we are luscious, lovely, sensuous, intelligent, provocative, SEXY women. OWN IT!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wordless Wednesday Feb. 23rd, 2011

These people make me happy. These people are why I get up in the morning :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"What do you think?"

So this last week I was reading a blog.... a new one that I ran across. Actually I followed Michelle R Slape on Twitter (please feel free to follow her), and saw she had a blog (click and you will be whisked away to it). A couple of blogs actually as well as a photography business... But back to the blog post...

So I was be-bopping back and forth through her blogs when I saw her post this last Friday titled Down Syndrome Fact Friday - How Do You Deal?  and I read it. And it touched me. I was very impressed with how Michelle handled the question "What do you think when you look at him?" a question posed to her about her 4 year old son who has Down syndrome.

The question was asked in innocence and from a different cultural point of view, from someone trying to understand. The person asking came from a different culture and had no idea what Down syndrome is. So from what I gather Michelle explained what Down syndrome is. So they asked the question - "What do you think when you look at him? How do you deal with all that comes with Down syndrome (I para-phrased that last question)?" I encourage you to read Michelle's way of answering this person's questions here - MRS Photography.

But it made me think... what if I were asked this same question, how would I address it? It actually has been on my mind ALL weekend and part of this week. I have thinking about this and wanting to blog... it's not as easy as you would think! LOL!!

What do I think when I look at my son Gabriel?

And that was when I realized I don't think anything. That isn't to say I do not have thoughts going through my head, obviously I do. But when I look at Gabriel, I just see Gabriel, I do not see the Downs. I mean if you look at a child who is color blind do you see that? Or if you look at a child who has ADD do you see the disorder? So yes when you look at Gabriel you know he is different, Downs does have physical characteristics... but when I look at him I see the little boy, not the diagnosis.

And truthfully raising him has not been too much more difficult than raising my two older "typical" children. Sure we have had and do have challenges but I guess I have taken it into stride that that is just a part of parenting, not specific to Gabriel per se. I mean tomorrow either one of my children could get seriously sick, or have a serious accident, God willing it does happen, but it could. It would not make them less than.. or less than my child, it would just be something we would have to work through as a family and it would just become a part of our daily life and routine. A part of the whole of who we are. If something were to happen it would not change the people they are, it would be in addition to.

That is how I look at my little guy G. Down syndrome does not define who he is or will be as a person, but it is a part of who he is, just not ALL of who he is. I see past the diagnosis to the person and like Michelle my hope too is that when people look at Gabriel, they see beyond the diagnosis and see the wonderful, playful, smart, clever, funny, stubborn, happy little guy that I see. A "typical" toddler growing into a person with so much potential and so much to contribute and give to the world.

I love you my little "Porkachop"!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Guest Blog Spot over at Special

Well I just got an email today from Gina over at Special Happens and I am so excited. A few weeks ago Gina asked me if I could write a short blog post on having a child with Down syndrome. Maybe something about him...  or the challenges...

To say I was surprised is an understatement, as well as totally nervous. And this is going to sound silly I know, but I was kind of star struck. Ms. Gina St. Aubin is a blogger I follow. I follow a few bloggers. And I am in awe of every single one of them. They make blogging and telling a story seem so effortless. And Gina along with the others do it so exceptionally well. I am amazed and yes intimidated lol. Intimidated in that I want to be them when I grow up!! .!!

I really respect these Women and Men and the following they have. They don't have a following because their followers have nothing else better to do. They have followers because they capture you. They are smart, or funny and witty. They are sarcastic (snarky), and compassionate. Their blogs are honest and down to earth. They don't lie about themselves or their lives. I have read a couple of blogs that are just BS and lies, or are mean spirited. Those are not the kind of blogs that really have any followers. It's certainly not a blog I want to read, or respect.

Ms. Gina St. Aubin at Special Happens and those like her and that I follow (I'd like to think I have discerning tastes) are not like this. They can talk about themselves, or life, or even the projects and or products they are involved with, with out being mean spirited. They show happiness, love, disappointment, grief, anger, joy, frustrations, and so forth in a way that is honest. And we relate. I relate.

So back to MY exciting news... I will have my piece that I wrote featured on Ms. St. Aubins' blog this coming Monday February 21st, 2011 (Didn't want anyone missing that date ) at Special Happens. So make sure you check it out!! And check her blog in general, trust me it's worth it. And if you are on Twitter give Gina- @Special_Happens a follow and a shout! Show some love. 

 Here's the link:
Guest blog post - "You looking at me?"

Thank you....


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wordless Wednesday Feb. 16th, 2011

Soooooooo How was YOUR day?
 This little person....
 Did this...
 And this...
 This too....
 Oh and this...
 I did this...
 and this....
 Of no help whatso ever...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Lies, lies, lies YEAH... They're gonna get you!"

I love that song by "The Thompson Twins".

What lies do you tell yourself or those around you? What fa├žade do you put forth to the rest of the world? And the bigger question is…. Do you yourself believe it?

There are people out there who tell lies to themselves to hide their private life or pains and believe in the world they make up and tell people in an innocent, broken kind of way. An innocent lie you tell others to keep your private life, private, not to manipulate or hurt another just trying to cope. You know when your spouse hurts your feelings, but you gloss over it.

 Then there are people who are not only delusional, but are twisted, manipulative, and out and out liars. Who once they tell that first lie, have to keep the lies going because of what they started. These people are the most destructive and dangerous people. And from what I have experienced, they eventually seem to believe the manipulated poison they spew. 

These people are insecure and self destructive… and very selfish. They like to play the martyr or the victim. They wallow in self pity and seem to like to be miserable and are unhappy if everyone around them has a life and are happy. They want to surround themselves in self pity. “Woes me…. My life sucks” or something very similar to this is their daily mantra. “Please pity me… look at how lousy everything in my life is” and those around them and who love or loved them suffer. 

These people sit there and blame everything and everyone else for their misery. Nothing is ever their fault. The circumstances they find themselves in are never of their own doing. “You don’t want me” “You don’t love me” “I’m not good enough” and so forth and so on…. Looking for some kind of validation from those around them, instead of finding validation within or getting the help they so desperately need. Again, it’s not them, it’s everyone around them… it’s somebody elses’ fault, never theirs. They are innocent while they demonize others.

These people get so wrapped up in the twists and manipulations they create. They think they are so very clever too, more clever than those around them. Here is the dichotomy of these people… they are so insecure and so jealous of those around them, yet in the same breath hold themselves up higher. They think or act as if they are better. They will find ways to make those they hold as the reasons for their miserable existence, to look less than. They will tell any lie they can to make the people they are insecure and jealous about look bad or even as dangerous as they are. And yes these people can be very dangerous. 

Their very words a poison… and the scary part again is they seem to believe the things they make up. Making people look like bad parents, or stalkers, or threats… when in fact the only threat is themselves. They hurt and destroy almost everything they touch because they cannot face reality. Cannot tell the truth even to themselves. So they destroy… selfishly destroy. And never ever admit to being wrong or never admit the truth. They never apologize, they just dodge and deflect. Eventually though, all those around them see through all the twists and manipulations. The real truths come out…. Reality seeps in and they end up broken and alone when all they had to be was honest with themselves and everyone else. 

You could almost pity someone like this until they set out like the plague to hurt and defame you, all the while pretending to be something they aren’t and lying through their crooked teeth. You cannot pity someone this vile who knowingly distorts the truth to a reality that is false and does it with absolute intent and venom. These people even could be Borderline Personality Disorder and can be dangerous and need help.

So consider the depth of the lies you tell yourself and the eventual outcome when the truth finds its way into the light. And ask yourself is it really worth it? The innocent lies, may not be a big deal if they hurt no one… But if you set out to hurt someone in a passive/aggressive manner by lying & playing the victim, beware… Because once you start, it’s hard to stop, especially if you start believing the lies you tell yourself and that becomes your reality.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Bedtime fears....

I did not get much sleep last night. I haven’t got much sleep at all really lately. My youngest is sick, but it would not matter, I do this every night it seems. I am up and down all night checking up on him. For every “weird” sound he does and does not make. I am up if I don’t hear him snoring to make sure he is breathing. I am up if he is snoring, but it just does not sound right to me. Constantly putting my hand on his tiny back to make sure he is fine. Like I said every sound or non-sound I check. 

So there I was tossing and turning not able to get to sleep and my husband asked why I couldn’t get to sleep, reassuring me that our youngest was just fine. I started crying as he put his arm around me, and I mean sobbing. This startled him and he asked if I was okay…. I had really worried him now. So I am going to share with you what I shared with him.

I can’t protect my kids.

I can’t keep any of them truly safe. I felt like that guy from “Final Destination” where everything is a threat to your very life… yeah that was what I was feeling like last night laying in bed. And to my husbands’ credit he laid there with me and let me sob and express my fears. These were my “night time” fears.

I realized for all of my efforts as a “mother lion” I can’t keep bad things from happening to my children. From the benign broken heart (I know it doesn’t seem so) to the more catastrophic imaginings my mind can conjure. And I do it to myself. I sit on here and I am part of a support group on Facebook for parents who have lost their special needs kids… it started about 2 young angels and now there are more. And then there is Reece’s Rainbow, which is a charitable organization which helps in the raising of funds to adopt special needs children from other countries before they are institutionalized or worse….die. So I sit here crying and crying some more, because I feel helpless and am afraid… and even worse and am grateful my child is alive. I am grateful I do not know their pain. And I feel so guilty for this. So at night I am terrified that while I sleep, my amazing little boy will be taken from me for being grateful and happy. Silly I know, but that is what I fear.
Then my mind wanders to my two older children who, one lives on her own and the other who is a defiant teenage boy. Both very independent and who really do not need me other than for the occasional ride here or there. I worry about where they are. Who they are with…heck let’s not kid ourselves I worry they will not look before crossing in the middle of traffic and I will get that horrible and dreaded call to come and identify them. 

The rational part of me says I am putting myself through needless hell, but the mother in me won’t give my emotions and mind a break. I have a vivid imagination, so when I am doing this to myself, my mind would like to kick my butt…(Maybe my husband too) and this is the first time I have voiced these fears other than to my husband, or when I have finally worn him out and he is snoring… to myself. Am I the only one who does this? Am I the only mom who is worried that if I feel too blessed or too happy God (or whatever cosmic force you believe in) will put my happiness in check with some tragedy? So I check… and I lose sleep…and I drive my other two nuts with phones calls… trying to stay ahead of the cosmos.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Life is good.....

How could it not be with this guy??