Monday, April 4, 2011

"What Hurts The Most"

".... Is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away."

It was January and I had just left the El Torito parking lot, from the truck of my lover and soul mate. I had just got done asking him to not marry HER. He knew it was a mistake and was conflicted. I knew it was a mistake and was heartbroken. He told me he felt obligated. His family expected it...her family expected it...SHE expected it.

Why couldn't he just walk away instead of putting us through pain and hell in the years to come because he was conflicted, obligated... a coward. Who cared what THEY expected, this was LOVE dammit. Honest, pure, no strings, no boundaries, no restrictions heart breaking love!! We weren't teenagers, we knew what it was, what were were and what we were together. I just could not wrap my broken thoughts around it. My black and white was his grey. He made it complicated, where I made it so simple. It wasn't too late. {You know how you think somehow life really will be like "An Officer and a Gentleman" He realizes he can't live with out her, runs in and sweeps her up? It's not! it's ugly, and it's messy. There aren't white horses, and they do not realize anything until after they have ran to the alter.}

Just walk away for crying out loud!! This is what my heart, mind, body and soul was screaming at him as my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into the billion irreparable pieces. I felt like my guts were torn out of me and laid out to die and dry up. I don't remember starting to cry and I don't think I ever stopped. I hated him for his weakness. I hated her because she made him obligated... I hated that any other day this would have been one of those beautiful January winter nights, my heart now looked like the many shards in that dark sky twinkling. They were beautiful and I hated them too because of it.

Getting on the freeway making that huge spiraling, curving connector and all I could focus on through the mess were my headlights... And IT came on. That song by Rascal Flatts and I really didn't believe I could sink any deeper into that painful pit, yet there I was stuck in that black tar going down with every note of those lyrics. One by one cutting deeper and deeper into my soul. For a moment I wondered how bad would it be if I just let go of the wheel, and let go of the pain? Instead I just pulled over and sank into the dark... "And never knowin' what could've been, and not seein' that lovin' you... Is what I was tryin' to do..." 

***This song from Rascal Flatts always brings me back to that night. This is a writing assignment prompt from The Red Dress clubTo write about a sound or smell that brings back a memory and to write about that memory incorporating that sound or smell.***
 
The Red Dress Club                   

10 comments:

  1. I've stopped by from TRDC, great post. I really understood what your character was feeling and I want to know more.

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  2. Music is so powerful, isn't it? Totally and completely intensifying whatever it is we feel.

    I loved how honest and passionate this piece was. i could feel your pain, anger, sadness.

    You used a lot of fabulous lines in here like: "my black and white was his gray." perfect.

    But I really adored this part in parenthesis: "You know how you think somehow life really will be like "An Officer and a Gentleman" He realizes he can't live with out her, runs in and sweeps her up? It's not! it's ugly, and it's messy. There aren't white horses, and they do not realize anything until after they have ran to the alter.} because I felt like it was you and me having a heart to heart over cocktails!

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  3. Julie.... she loved him with her heart and soul....would have given him anything he had asked for. She had his baby...and HE abandoned and denied them both. Life went on and she is finding her happiness :0)

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  4. Galit... I am humbled by your kind words. It was hard sharing this. It hurt beyond words and writing it was painful. I am glad you felt the intimacy.... funny it just came out. I didn't even have to think. It's so odd to me because believe it or not I sometimes do forget this is public, so I get personal. I think if I were to go back and re-think I wouldn't hit publish. Thank you for reading it.

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  5. This post is raw and honest.
    Many of us have these experiences but we can't but them into words. You did a beautiful job of this.

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  6. Well done.
    I could feel your pain and desperation. And also his resignation to his choice.
    One song, that's all it takes to bring it back.
    This line, " my heart now looked like the many shards in that dark sky twinkling. They were beautiful and I hated them too because of it."
    Says so much.

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  7. WOW! You are such an amazing writer. I know I've written that before, but your posts are amazing!

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  8. Leighann... to be honest it's hard for me to put this and myself out there. But the whole point of this blog was for me to write. Who I am and what I have felt and feel and think. Thank you for your kind words :-)

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  9. Renee you are so right... The minute I hear those first couple of notes it all really does come back and punches me in the stomach... But it's a process and it gets easier... thank you.

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  10. Elisabeth, I am always humbled and glad to see you come here to my blog. Your own makes me laugh, smile and cry. You are as I have said before such an inspiration so for you to come here.... always is welcomed and flattering....

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