Monday, March 7, 2011

What becomes of the broken hearted?

I think they come here to the internet and write a blog.

I have been reading a lot of blogs. Trying to learn and grow. Reading blogs of different women and men here in the blogsphere. Looking for inspiration... and just to read. There are so many great blogs. Personally I love the funny, sarcastic, snarky ones. I just want to make this blog my own. I have no formula or idea what to do. All I know is what I feel... what I think. I want to support other people and their blogs. I am not sure if I ever want to make money with my blog, I suppose it would be nice, but then would I have to change what I am doing?

Anyway since diving into this world I have done nothing but cry.... I have found some of the best blogs have been written by people who are or have been heartbroken. Who have lost. I am not saying that those who haven't lost, their blogs are less than, because I feel every blog I have read to be amazing. The ones who have lost though, have a different depth to them.

It's the ones who have lost their children that just do me in. I have never lost a child and I pray in earnest every night that I never do. I know it is out of my hands, but I pray and beg. How do you do it? I mean really, how do those of you who have experienced a loss so great even wake up? I'd like to think I am a strong woman. I myself an now an orphan. Both of my parents are gone, and both have left a hole.

But it's not even the same. You expect to lose your parents and your grandparents and so forth.... not that it's easy or with out pain, I know though with my mothers' heart it is not even close to being the same. And I wonder, how do you breathe? How do you open your eyes after losing your heart? You should die too right? I know I would want to. I could not hold my child as they took their last breathe and take another one myself. (I wish I would stop crying so I could type) Yet these incredible people do, and they tell us about it.

The stories I have read have broken my heart so completely. The honesty, the pain... and surprisingly, the strength. I have sat here at this computer balling my eyes out, rocking... my chest hurting and my soul crying out at the BS injustice for these amazing people who loved their beloved angels. Feeling like the worst person in the world, that I am grateful that so far my own children are alive and well. And it makes me angry trying to wrap my head around that pain, that loss. It makes me so damn angry that I want to go into my back yard at yell up at the sky... at God... WHY??!!?? Why could he be so cruel as to give such a beautiful thing as a child to an amazing person to love beyond measure only to rip that child away.. rip that persons heart and soul out of them... Oh yeah I was angry. I know God is not cruel per se. He doesn't get his jollies to hurt us. But I still get angry at him, even though I know it is wrong.

I don't know why, and neither do the people who  put it ALL out there. But their strength for me is so inspiring and amazing. I know they write to get it out. To understand it. To try to work through it or around it. They aren't looking for sympathy.... they are just wanting to write what they feel or felt just to release it. To find support. A public journal of a very personal and life changing moment. I know they don't look at themselves as super human, just as some one putting one foot in front of the other, taking one breath after another, moving forward and healing...surviving. I think they are super human... they have become my heros.

We ALL have our trials {sigh}. We have our drama, depressions, joy, happiness, highs and lows. It's what being human is. And I love that I am learning to put who and what I am out there.

But I am very thankful for the people who write about their deepest pain, or their darkest secret, or just the raw honesty of what their life is no holds barred. They don't dress it up or sugar coat... yeah they may laugh or joke, or use sarcasm, but at least it's still honest and to me those are the very best people and writers. They have my deepest respect and ALL of my support. Read their blogs... get to know them... comment. You won't regret it... you may not always like their honesty, but at least you'll get.

I do.

*I want to thank the women and men who come to read my blog, but most importantly I want to thank the men and women whose blogs I read and follow. Thank you for putting yourself out there honestly and genuinely.... I am coming to love you guys. From a beginner to all of you who have been doing this awhile, you inspire me. Thank You.


  1. The blogs where people write about the loss of children & their spouses flips me the heck out! I stumbled upon a blog where a mother wrote about her daughter dying in the middle of the night. I cried for an hour. Her daughter had passed away the day she wrote the post, it was heartbreaking, and that isn't even a strong enough word to describe it! My husband gets so mad at me when I read those blogs, but I explain to him it's part of the experience, it's why people put themselves out there. It's a great community!

  2. Hello Kate...

    First of thank you for reading. I appreciate it tons.

    My husband gets upset with me too because I do the exact same thing. My son even called him once because I was sobbing... true story. My son panicked and thought something terrible happened and called my husband. Yep, not happy when he got home. He asks "Why do you do that to yourself?"... I simply tell him the same thing, it's a part of the experience. Thank you for sharing :)

  3. I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your thoughts

  4. You are welcome... and thank you so much for reading my blog.